Harry Potter and the Outworld Abyss
by DavidLopan
Summary: Harry buys enchanted Phil Collins concert tickets off Ebay from seller DMalfoy.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: The Purchase

Harry was good at sneaking around at night. He had to be. Getting sent away without eating a single meal during the day would make someone very hungry, and Harry liked to raid the fridge for all the treats that 'Dudders' bought. Nothing was as good as biting down onto a struggling, squirming, practically living, chocolate frog, but Twizzlers made his mouth happy.

Fortunately for Harry, he had eaten almost every meal that day—he had other business that night. (But he still took some Twizzlers, just to spite Dudley) It was almost midnight, and he had to Uncle Vernon's computer. Luckily for Harry, Uncle Vernon didn't know bullocks about ruddy computers so his iBook was completely unsecured and open. Harry turned it on, watched it slowly boot up and opened up a browser window.

"W-w-w dot e-b-o, I mean, a-y dot c-o-m."

The past seven nights, he had watched a particular auction with great interest. Seventeen more minutes and they would be his.

"Still the high bidder it looks like," Harry muttered to himself as the page opened up declaring its important declaration.

Refresh browser. No change. Refresh browser. No change. Harry secretly loved Muggle technology and knew that most young magic folk did too. Old Wizards always said that they didn't need things like Computers and the Internet and Gigabytes, but Harry knew that if they only knew how useful technology could be to a wizard, it would start a revolution. Refresh browser—_You have been outbid_.

"What's this?" Harry asked his own magical brain. "Bloody hell. How did that happen?"

Luckily, with less than three minutes left, Harry still had time to pump up his bid.

"1-7" Harry said out loud, as he put in his bid of seventeen pounds. He knew he would get the strap for spending Uncle Vernon's money, but for these, Harry would do just about anything.

"That should do the trick. Who else would even want these things, except for someone like me, to whom they hold a unique and sentimental significance?" Harry was talking to himself again. But before he could say anything more to himself, his scar began to surge with a pain that seemed to come from another world.

"My scar!" He exclaimed. Harry had found that even though the Dark Lord had been vanquished, his scar still hurt from time to time. Maybe it had to do with Harry's sacrifice to end the life of Voldemort, or it could be that it was just a painful scar.

Thirty-three seconds left. Refresh browser. "This is almost over," Harry thought to himself.

The screen announced Harry's victory to an empty room.

"A winner is you!" thought Harry. The bright computer screen seemed to congratulate Harry somehow.

Not more than a few seconds later, Harry mysteriously received an email from the seller. "Well that was fast, wasn't it, computer screen." Harry had started talking to his computer screen. (The two became fast friends.) The message read:

Dear Satisfied Customer,

Thank you for purchasing the item which you have just purchased. I hope you find great enjoyment with said purchase. Remember however, that in time, all things must come to an end.

Sincerely,

DMalfoy

Harry pondered the cryptic message and wondered what things were going to come to an end.

"My life almost came to an end, didn't it, computer screen. My godfather's life has ended too. And so has Dumbledore's life. But I don't think I'm going to dwell on that right now."

"Computer screen, I need to reply to the seller, don't I?" Harry said.

The computer screen stared blankly back at Harry and reciprocated Harry's own blank stare into the computer screen.

He opened the email and began his reply.

Dear DMalfoy:

Thank you for your kind words and your prompt shipping. I'm glad you accept PayFriend. It's such a convenient way to purchase goods over the internet. Please see my profile on Ebay for shipping information. I have to ask though, what did you mean when you said all things come to end? Is that another prophecy?

Warmest regards,

Harry Potter

Harry crept back into his cupboard and imagined his goods being shipped overnight from wherever they might be. He was rife with anticipation. As he was lying down, he started thinking about his friends. He wondered what they were doing now. Would they ever come back?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Arrival

As Harry woke up the next morning, he immediately began dreaming again of the glorious internet purchase. He had so many questions for himself. How long would it take? Would the shipper use insurance? Would the packing be sufficient? Did they really contain the ghosts of his dead parents? Would he have to sign for the package at the door?

Harry woke up again and began thinking about the questions he just asked himself. If only he could get answers to his questions. Harry thought hard for a long time about the last time anyone had told him about using Muggle Post, but nothing came to mind.

"Harry! Bring me my muffins!" Dudley roared from Harry's doorway. He looked as if he were on the brink of turning into an iceberg lettuce that someone had painted with brilliant red paint.

"OF ALL THE BOYS I HAVE EVER KNOWN, YOU ARE THE MOST LATE OF ANY BOY I HAVE EVER KNOWN!" he shouted.

Harry gave him bran muffins and received naught but a grunt from Dudley as a thank you. Harry sighed to himself and went back to his other chores.

Harry was cleaning the grout of Dudley's bathroom. It was green and slimy and smelled of bathroom smells. The only tool he had been given to clean with was a bent thumbtack. "I know!" he said to himself. "I'll just make myself a nice big washcloth to clean all this up with!"

Harry was about to chant the incantation for making 600 thread count towels, when a thought came into him.

"I have a marvelous gift. I should not squander it on making towels for doing my chores or drying off after a cold shower. Since I live with Muggles, I should live like Muggles." He resumed picking the grout clean.

"Harry, come down and eat the rest of my food!" Dudley yelled. Harry hated having to eat Dudleys food. It was mostly pre-chewed crusts from bologna and jam sandwiches and a few pieces of ice from an empty pitcher of Kool-Aid.

He longed for the old days. The glory days. The days when wizards and witches ordered large tankards of Butterbeer and talked the night away sharing stories of Quidditch, Hogwarts, Dumbledore, Voldemort and the House Wars.

Harry's brain jolted when he a piece of tile he was cleaning, flicked up into his mouth. Harry had an urge to pull out his wand, but instead he just spit the piece out on the floor.

"Blech!" Harry said. "That was by far the grossest piece of tile I've ever eaten!"

From the upstairs bathroom, Harry could hear some talking downstairs. He took a peek through the railing.

"Who is this for, you say?" Dudley asked the delivery woman who was standing at the door.

"Someone named Harry Potter."

"I'll sign for it." Dudley said. He turned around and caught Harry's eye staring right at him.

"What's in this parcel?" Dudley asked.

"None of your beeswax!" Harry replied. Dudley's face looked as mischievous, as much as an iceberg lettuce could anyway. "Give it here or I-I'll blast you with my magical wand!"

"You don't scare me one bit. You think I just forgot about what happened? If you want this parcel, you have to take it from me." Dudley sneered again.

With that last remark, Harry lunged at Dudley. Fists flew, feet kicked, heads butted, but Harry was finally able to grapple the parcel away from Dudley.

"Well, look at that. Harry Potter is all grown up now and beats up on his older cousin," Dudley bleated. He stood up and walked off somewhere.

Harry looked at the parcel. It was tightly wrapped with a green foil and bore an inscription; Harry didn't bother to read the inscription though. He was too excited about opening his parcel to read the inscription.

Harry opened the parcel and gazed upon his purchase with envy.

"Well that looks like them, doesn't it, computer—" Harry realized that his friend the computer screen was upstairs.

"How can I extract the souls of my parents from these tickets?" Harry wondered to himself, although spoke aloud. "Maybe one of my friends can help me."

Harry thought about all his friends, friends who now were all dead. Ron killed himself. Hermione was killed by Ron. Dumbledore was killed by Voldemort pretending to be Snape. Snape was still alive, but was pretending to be Voldemort. Ginny and her entire family were burned alive until they were dead. Cho was killed in a freak Quidditch accident that was actually concocted by Hermione. Voldemort was killed by…"By me!" Harry said out loud.

Harry had defeated the Dark Lord, but the victory came with a terrible price. He lost his magic abilities while fighting the Dark Lord, but for an unexplained reason, the Dark Lord died the instant Harry lost his powers but Harry still retained his magical powers despite losing them for a time.

The staff at Hogwarts were all killed in the House Wars, as were most of the wizards in the world. Hagrid was eaten by his half-brother. Crabbe and Goyle were killed by Hermione's cat, Crookshanks, who was actually an Animagus named Mardagos, and was a sworn protector of Hermione. Mardagos failed obviously, when Ron ran her broken heart through with a large spear after he found out she had burned his family alive. She begged and begged him and told him that she loved him and would never do anything like that, but he killed her. When Mardagos finally arrived at the scene after looking for her for several days, he told Ron that he, Mardagos, was the one that burned Ron's family because he suspected them of trying to kill Hermione. After Ron heard that, he impaled himself on the same spear to which Hermione was still attached. At last they could be together.

Moaning Myrtle was also killed. Nobody thought you could re-kill a dead person, but you can. _What a hoot that was_, Harry thought to himself.

Viktor Krum was eaten alive by the spiders in the Forbidden Forest after a game of "Catch the Kitty" went horribly awry. The Death Eater army was decimated in a battle against the remaining Order of the Phoenix members, whose true numbers remained unknown. The Order themselves usurped the power of the government, killed the entire Ministry and initiated the House Wars.

Harry thought some more about his dead friends and how long ago all that had been and gave a long sigh. It was so long in fact, that he fell asleep midway through his reminiscing.

When he woke up, he was still lying on the floor where he had opened his parcel. He continued to open it and pull out his prize.

"Well look at these blokes." Harry said in his best Australian accent.

"I think it's about time to use these."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: The Tickets

Harry held up the tickets in the light. They looked like normal Phil Collins Concert tickets. But they pulsed with arcane magical energy. He could feel the spirits within tickets beckoning him to release them from their papery prison. Harry was excited with excitement. He pulled out his wand and began pointlessly waving it around and making explosion sound effects with his mouth. The voices in the tickets got louder. He held up the tickets in the light, pointed his wand straight at them and yelled the incantation with all the energy he had.

"Ticketus Releaseus!"

Harry's wand emitted a surging beam of purple magical energy which caused the tickets to levitate in the air.

_Purple_, Harry thought. _The color of Ravenclaw_. _I wonder if this has to do with the new prophecy._

"I…I think it's working!" Harry yelled.

The tickets were glowing as brightly as all the cigarette lighters at a Phil Collins concert put together.

"It's going to work! It's going to wo—"

With that last word, the tickets evaporated in a puff of smoke and a shower of golden sparks, which likewise disappeared. The room returned to its normal color and the tickets were nowhere to be seen.

"Well that was a waste of time," Harry said.

Harry picked up the message from DMalfoy and read his message again.

"I think I should report this seller to the authorities of Ebay. Nobody, but nobody, sends Harry Potter, the Scourge of Worlds, The Bane of Muggledom, Lord of the Banshees, I mean, Banished, Lord of the Banished, defective tickets!" Harry was awash in feelings of betrayal.

"It's time to return to the land of the Living."

Harry picked up his wand, his quaffle, his broom, his talking amulet which he named Bort, his canteen, his book of Muggle Pranks and his other talking amulet which he also named Bort.

Harry made his way towards the front door. It was just in the other room so it didn't take much time. But just before he put his hand on the knob to open the door, Dudley flung himself between Harry and the door.

"You brainless prat. What do you think you are doing?" Dudley exclaimed.

"I'm going back" Harry said.

"You can't go back! I'm so tired of telling you this. They won't let you back in! You're a fool to think you can get back!" Dudley yelled.

"I can do whatever I want!" Harry retorted.

"Yeah, you sure can," Dudley monkeyed. "Including getting us sent out here, right?"

Harry was silent, but his wand spoke for him.

"Blasticular!" Harry shouted at Dudley.

Harry's wand spit huge gobs of kindergarten paste at Dudley which weighed him down so much that Harry was able to jump over him.

"Let's see if you can get out of that this time, Fuddy Duddy!"

Harry laughed, and the door shut behind him.


End file.
